TV Networks Are Stealing My Brain

First of all, despite what I am about to tell you, I am not crazy. I am convinced that there is a chip implanted in my brain that relays all my thoughts to executives at the TV networks. First there was the episode of South Park that was identical to one I'd written. Now this.

I've lived alone for almost two years, but before that I had a roommate for a long time. As roommates who are also friends tend to do, we had a million inside jokes that cracked us up but would have left others scratching their heads. She went through a period where she ate ridiculous and unhealthy things, and one night announced plans to eat chocolate pudding for dinner. I am not making this up. I tried to talk her out of it, but my convincing and lawyerly arguments were falling on deaf ears. To be fair, most of my argument consisted of me yelling "What? Get the fuck out of here!" But to be more fair, that should have been enough.

Finally, she'd had it and said, "Enough! I'm going to eat the aforementioned pudding and you can't stop me!" We both thought that was about the funniest thing we'd ever heard and started laughing. "The aforementioned pudding" became one of our inside jokes. For years, it was used any time we wanted to refer to something from the past, whether it was pudding-related or not. We also thought it sounded like a good indie band name or Agatha Christie novel. "The aforementioned pudding" was one of those phrases I love because you are sure it has never been uttered by humankind before in all of recorded history. That's part of why it was so funny to us.

Then THIS happened. I was watching TV and one of those Hulu commercials came on, this one starring Denis Leary. He made mention of TV turning people's brains to pudding, and then near the end of the commercial referred to "the aforementioned pudding". Had I been sitting in a chair instead of lounging horizontally, I would likely have fallen off. I immediately texted my friend. "SOMEBODY ON TV JUST SAID 'THE AFOREMENTIONED PUDDING'!" She shot back "SHUT UP!" and immediately consulted YouTube to confirm.

Clearly, TV networks are stealing my brain. And more importantly, not compensating me appropriately. Behold the evidence: