A Tale of International Brotherhood, Stilts and Electrical Tape Pants

I witnessed a heartwarming scene here in Vancouver yesterday. Two exuberant young Canucks were parading through the streets with a giant Canadian flag in preparation for the first Team Canada hockey game an hour later.


Alas, nothing gold can stay. Before long our intrepid heroes were confronted by the Goliath to the South, their nemesis Uncle Sam himself! Just look at Uncle Sam's demeanor - he don't play. Some bad stuff was going to go down, my friends.


However, people began gathering around and taking pictures of these national symbols together. And instead of a Battle Royale, we got smiles and poses. Uncle Sam is even helping to hold up the Canadian flag. No one who witnessed this display of peace and brotherhood left unchanged.


Pussies.

The Money Shot

Sometimes you have to pull over to the shoulder even when the signs say you're not supposed to and just admire nature. This is Mt. Shasta in northern California.

Click to enlarge

The Hills Have Wangs

En route to Vancouver, I've stopped for the night in Red Bluff, California. Sounds pretty, right?

NO.

This little burg in the middle of nowhere is an episode of The Twilight Zone waiting to happen. For the last 45 minutes I drove in a dense, impenetrable and vaguely threatening fog. While getting settled in my room I heard the distinct sound of three gunshots not far away. And below, you'll see the access code for my hotel internet service.


In light of the fog and the gunshots, the code has me worrying what else this cursed town has in store for me. If I don't blog in several days, someone please notify the authorities. And a proctologist.

Words On Assignment

Words...words...words... is hitting the road!

I'll be leaving today on a road trip to the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. I made some friends when I worked there a few years ago, and it's time to cash in on some favors! I love the Olympics because it is one of the few times that jingoism and xenophobia are embraced. I'll be attending a USA hockey game and a medal ceremony, as well as taking in the sights, sounds and smells¹ of the Games. Make sure you bang it here for daily updates on what really goes on² at the Olympics.

In commemoration of this august publication's first attempt at reporting, there will be a contest! Whoever leaves the best comment on any of the Olympic entries will win a yet-to-be-determined souvenir trinket.³ Comments will be judged on humor, relevance and fawning. Relatives, employees and former drunken hookups of WWW, Inc. are not eligible to win.⁴ All entries become the property of WWW, Inc.

In other news, when I return from Vancouver, I will be coming back to a new job! Despite the fact that the film in question is certain to be a steaming pile, there is much rejoicing⁵ throughout the land.



1. Hopefully not the smells.

2. I desperately hope something interesting goes on now that my cheese is publicly in the wind.

3. WWW, Inc. makes no guarantee about the quality of the trinket, except that it will be cheap.

4. Unless we like you.

5. Spending.

The G-Chat Diaries, Vol. 11

Chatter X: Sup

WWW: Well, I feel better today. But I also just spent $900 on my car.

Chatter X: I'm spending like $700 tomorrow!

WWW: What are you getting?

Chatter X: A new axle, brakes, and some other shit I wasn't listening to.

- FI...wait. Not fin.
Cut to one hour later, when Chatter X was informed of this honor.

Chatter X: I AM PUTTING THIS ON MY CALENDAR.

Chatter X: DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I HAVE WAITED FOR THIS DAY, YOU ASSHOLE?

WWW: I didn't even know you read my blog.

Chatter X: Every time I read one of those in your blog I'm like GOD DAMMIT. THIS ISN'T ANYTHING I HAVE SAID.

Chatter X: I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW FUNNY I AM

- FI...nope. Not just yet.
Cut to ten minutes after the above exchange.

Chatter X: ARE YOU DONE YET OR WHAT

WWW: I'M MAKING IT FUNNY

Chatter X: UGH FINE. This better not be the last time I'm posted in one of these BTW. This better be the FIRST OF MANY.

Chatter X: MANY.

WWW: If you don't STFU it won't even be the first.

Chatter X: Fine. LOVE YOU <3

- FIN -
(Yes, for real)

Actual Conversations With Real People, Vol. 10

Today's Actual Conversation is between myself and an elderly woman at the supermarket. Enjoy!

The elderly woman is shopping without a cart and is carrying all her groceries by hand. She comes up to my cart and begins unloading all her things into it.

WWW: Uhhh...

EW: (in thick Russian accent) What are you looking at? I'll take them right out.

WWW: *mouth agape*

The elderly woman rearranges her groceries into her arms and shuffles away.

- FIN -

Fever Dreams and Other Things

It's been a weird week here at WWW Headquarters. I'm drifting in and out of sleep at strange hours. I'm not eating very much, and eating foods at weird times of the day. My head swims and starts lucidly dreaming while I'm watching Jeopardy! or reading or not blogging¹. The lucid dreams are so surreal that it looks like John Mayer is on The Tonight Show playing "California Dreamin'"² with a children's choir dressed in red sweater vests³. I'm on an every-other-day showering schedule⁴ and seem to have grown a full beard. All in all, a vibe of general weirdness. After consulting experts in the field, I've learned that this can mean one of only eight (8) things:

1. I am starring in a remake of Mr. Mom (sans children)
2. I am slowly dying of consumption
3. I have been drugged by an international cabal of bloggers in an effort to silence me
4. I have mono
5. I'm really just bored
6. I need a job
7. Ennui

I'm pretty sure that I would be aware of #1 because I wouldn't have to make my own coffee. #2 would require me to live in the 19th century. There is no motive for #3, as I have been pretty silent on my own. I haven't kissed anyone, ruling out #4. #5 has possibilities. I think #6 and #7 are the prime suspects, though. Luckily, I have been contacted about a job and should find out about it at any minute. And if I don't get it, I expect #7 will consume me.


1. Not blogging appears to be my biggest hobby lately. I just opened a new post and started writing, resulting in...this.
2. English grammarians need a solution for instances where a word ending in an apostrophe is enclosed in quote marks. It looks retarded.
3. Upon further investigation, this has proven to be all too real. Eek.
4. That's right, ladies. You have a 50/50 chance of catching me all clean. Rowr.